INVISIBLE

There was a time when I was invisible.  Might as well say invisible.  How else can I describe what a grade school teacher once told my mother. I remember her words so clear. She said, "Oh, most of the time I forget that Carla is even here."  Her point was that I was so quiet and never caused any problems, that she literally didn't see me. That was supposed to be a compliment. She was saying that I was not a trouble maker, I caused no problems, I didn't bother her, I didn't make waves, I didn't rock the boat.  I came to school, did my work, and went home.  I suppose I was most teachers dream student.

But those words cut me. Made me feel insignificant and that I didn't matter. I mean, this is how I took it. If I could make my teacher not even realize that she had me as a student, how lame could I be?

I was simply quiet. And I never wanted confrontation, nor could I deal with upsetting anyone. Never wanted to disappoint, always wanted to please. So I was very much agreeable. Easy to get along with. I never really spoke my mind or even gave my opinion.

Times have changed. Those days are gone! As I got older, I've become much more comfortable with who I am and I realized that my thoughts and feelings are important. I am significant. I do matter.  And most of all, I have a voice.  I've always known that I have a good mind, I just didn't give myself permission to speak it. Now, not only do I speak it, I sing it!  My challenge now is knowing when and how to use it. I have to find a balance and know that I must shut up, or simply not say anything at times.  Not saying anything, and not having anything to say are two different things.  It takes strength and power to restrain one self at the right time.  That doesn't mean that you can't say anything, it just means that you've chosen not to.  That takes discipline, not always an easy task!  I'm happy now that I can speak up.  I'm never short of asking questions, or questioning when I need clarity.

I've come full circle.  Sitting in my seminary classes now, I often find myself "arguing" in my head AT myself. "Carla, shut up!"  "Carla, don't monopolize the class!"  "Carla, stop asking so many questions!"  "Carla, stop answering all of the teacher's questions!"

Not that I'm trying to prove anything, but this little girl has come a long way from being invisible in class.

Blessings!

Carla