A MONTH OF SUNDAYS
My life has changed, yet once again. I am no stranger to
change and redirection in my life. I am familiar with hurt, pain, sorrow, and
grief. I am definitely accustomed to anger, bitterness, and confusion. But what
is unchartered territory for me is a litany of life-impacting restrictions that
I must adhere to now if I want to live.
I want to live.
It has been a month of Sundays since my life took its recent
change in the form of Congestive Heart Failure. Then, just to make things
interesting, the CHF was compounded with Acute Kidney Failure and severe dehydration.
I am doing better today, although there are still some
issues. I am recuperating and adjusting to the adjustments and new lifestyle I
must take. This entails the unchartered course I referred to earlier. Suddenly,
I am not only restricted on what I can do, but I am instructed on what I cannot
do. My entire day and my every thought, it seems, revolves around these
restrictions. You can’t do this, and you can’t have that. Those words are
forever singing in my head. It honestly has become depressing.
It has really worn me down and out and I am literally
overwhelmed. I have cried, I have sulked, I have pouted, I have argued, I have
pitied myself, and I have even rebelled. I guess it’s safe to say that I have acted
like a child. A spoiled, entitled brat who have never had boundaries and
limitations ever imposed upon them. A child who has never been told “NO” before
who has suddenly been told “NO” about everything.
Well, in this month of Sundays, I have had time to stomp and
whine, but also to reach up and out of myself to seek God’s divine plan and
direction for me. During this time, I missed a month of Sundays of church
worship service because I was too weak and not physically ready to return.
Being away from church for that long stretch of time was foreign to me and I
felt like a fish out of water. It wasn’t my nature. But even in my darkest hours
during this rude interruption of life, I have never doubted God.
One thing I have often told my children was that even if
they did not agree with me or did not understand why I make certain decisions
regarding them, they should respect and trust me enough to know that I would
never steer them wrong. I will always have their interest at heart, and I know
what is best. During this month of Sundays, God reminded me of that and
stressed how I can and should trust Him even when I can’t see what He’s doing. Because
He’s God my Father, I know that He will not steer me wrong. I know without a
doubt that He knows what’s best for me. I know that He loves me so much, and
even more than I can do as a parent, He already knows what’s ahead and has
prepared the way for me. I just have to trust Him and have faith.
I may feel restricted and have grieved over what I think
I’ve lost, but I am at peace with knowing that God is in total control. That’s
good to know because most of the time I feel as though I am out of control. Having
faith in God allows me to let go and to rest in Him. I have felt that I can’t
do this. I have felt that I cannot possibly meet these new requirements. I have
been angry and for the most part, I’ve felt that I am a failure. But during
this month of Sundays, God has shown me so much love from and through family
and friends who have been strong support for me. He has proven to me that I am
not alone.
I actually thank God for this month of Sundays. It has been
the most powerful time in my life. Although I realize that I am strong, it is
not my strength that is powerful. It is the omnipotence of God that has kept me
and continues to keep me as I make it through this new journey. My heart and
kidneys may have failed me, but God has consistently proven that He will NEVER
fail me.
Carla Y. Nix
No comments:
Post a Comment