As a young girl, I was very skinny. I remember that I just didn't eat much. But not for long! As an older girl, I ate more - and blossomed! I don't remember much about my skinny life, for I've never seen skinny again.
As a teenager, I hated my body. I hated everything about myself, in fact. I felt that I was not pretty, definitely not attractive to boys, I hated that I was shy, and I didn't believe that I had an appealing personality. I was happy reading books and writing my poetry and my journaling. Never thought anyone would be interested in such a girl.
I thought that I would never have a boyfriend. I refused to believe that anyone would ever take a second look at me, let alone be interested in getting to know me. Well, at 17, I had my first boyfriend. In fact, he was the only boyfriend I've ever had. At age 21, I married him. Jerry loved me from the beginning and I have to be honest, it took me years even long into my marriage for me to accept that anyone could love me. I still hadn't accepted myself and I consistently put myself down. But Jerry loves everything about me.
As an adult, I have always struggled with my weight and with body image acceptance. I viewed myself simply as the fat woman. One year, I lost 40 pounds. Great. But I still wore my same clothes. Forty pounds is a 4-size drop in clothing. My co-workers and friends tried to convince me to wear clothing that was more fitting. More tailored. But I just couldn't see "showing off my shape". I guess I felt comfortable "hiding" behind my clothes. One person told me that this was because I was not viewing my new self. I still saw myself 40 lbs heavier. I had to see myself differently, she said. But it was deeper than that I believe. It wasn't just the pounds. I wasn't seeing the WOMAN that I was. I belittled myself not realizing that doing so was a slap in God's face.
I've grown since then. An inside job. Honestly, about half of those pounds have returned, but I'm a much wiser woman today. I know I'll never be skinny, and I don't want to be. I've accepted and am happy that Jerry fell in love with a plus size woman, and he loves everything about her. He loves every curve, every plumpness, every thickness. My acceptance of this has caused me to embrace, know, and love my own sensuality. I am much more comfortable in our intimate life and trust me, it has never been better!
As I'm facing 50, naturally one thing I said is that I didn't want to be FAT & 50. But I know that I need to focus on being healthy, and not focus on physical image. Losing weight will make me healthier, but it will not make me a better woman. And that's what's important. That I be the best woman God made me to be. In doing so, I must love myself. Additionally, I thank God for the love of my husband. I realize how blessed I am.
Blessings!
Carla
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