I am at a point, position, and place in my life now where it's necessary for me to restructure or redefine myself. I'm re-inventing myself. Hmmm, not sure if I like the term "re-inventing". I didn't invent myself from the beginning. I'll process that at another time. But the truth is that so much has changed over the last few years. I am definitely not the person I once was, yet, I am still the core of me. It is because of the changed situations and conditions that have shaped my life.
I am able now to enjoy operating and flourishing in my gifts and utilizing my skills for ministry and helping others. I absolutely love that I am granted this. However, as a result, so many sacrifices and adjustments have been made. It's been a heavy load on my husband because we no longer have my income. I've tried my best and very hard to make it independently by doing all that I can. However, to no avail. And it is so frustrating. It hurts. I truly feel like a failure.
When I had the mild stroke a few years ago, Jerry and I were in agreement that I would not return to work. I've been able to remain home and be here for my family. I missed out on so much with the 20 plus years of working (living) in/for corporate America. Now I'm able to devote time as well to ministry, my writing, my studying and preparation for speaking engagements. I absolutely love all of this. In fact, I can't imagine not being able to do any of that.
It's good, but on the other hand, we are struggling without an income from me. I do my best to supplement, but to no avail. I put things out to generate money, but no one wants to buy. I also need funds in order to print, publish, etc. But I won't take away from the household in order to do so when so much is needed. There are times when I don't buy my medication because something else is needed. Therefore, there may be a lapse in my regimen. I know, I know...not very smart, but it's what I have to do.
Yesterday was a turning point day for me. I don't know how much will change, but I know that a change has to happen. I prayed, and cried.....cried, and prayed. There was a breakthrough in my thinking and I am thankful to God that He gave me an influx of inspiration. This blog - Facing 50 - is the result of one of the ideas that God gave me. There are several others coming down the pipe. I worked very late last night getting a few things off the ground.
I'm going to follow God's direction, but most of all, I'll TRUST what He's doing in my life. I have to be patient. I have to know that even though I can't see it now, God is working everything out. He has kept us all of this time. It has been rough, but He always provides.
Lord, I pray that I will become the awesome woman you have designed me to be!
Carla
I turned 50 last year. That has been the most exciting year for me. I am free to be me. I have matured in many ways. Things that used to get on my nerve don't any longer. I am more tolerable and am willing to drop anything that drags me down. I am confortable alone or with people. I am looking forward to the things that I will be able to do once I retire in 2011. Life is mellow now.
ReplyDeleteContinue to let the Lord lead you. Just make sure you follow.