GIVING THANKS EVERY DAY!

My Poem of Thanksgiving

By Carla Y. Nix

Lord, as I kneel to pray today

I must say thank you for making a way.

You blessed me with your loving kindness,

Tender mercies, protection, and guidance.

You endowed me with your agape love,

Showered me with joy and peace from above.

You have been faithful to your Word,

Never leaving me; my prayers have all been heard.

I thank you for much more than material things,

For it is your salvation that makes my heart sing.

I give thanks to you, my Precious Lord

And praise you for life; for you are my guard.

Thank you Lord, as I rejoice today

Thank you again for making a way.

By Carla Young Nix

© 2005

SECOND HALF

I honestly feel as though I am entering the 2nd half of my life. They say life begins at 40, but I'm believing that REAL life is ignited at 50. At 40, I did develop new awarenesses but I think that it is now that I am actually beginning to really live.

Physically, I'm a mess. I have pains like I've never had before. Oh my back, my legs, hips.......they HURT! And there are the illnesses I wish not to disclose here. And there is the memory loss issue....that scares me! But with it all, I just press on anyhow for one reason. I am excited about life!

I'm learning much more. I'm being given more opportunity to do the things that I truly love. I love these things so much that I am doing them without the privilege of compensation. The money would be good, but money is not what motivates me to live and walk in my purpose. Some may say that I'm a fool for doing anything without getting paid, and perhaps they're right. It's not that I don't need the money - quite the contrary actually. But I absolutely and simply love helping others and being a blessing to them. There is not enough money in the world that would give me the satisfaction and joy of knowing, loving, and living my purpose in life.

Welcome to my 2nd half!

Carla

Expecting Great Things

What an exciting week it's been. Thoroughly enjoyed Thanksgiving. I cooked a whole bunch and don't feel bad about it. I enjoyed blessing my family. I know that cooking a big dinner is not mandatory, but it's something I wanted to do. Thanksgiving is very special to me and the big meal is one of those traditions I don't mind holding on to.  It reminds me of my childhood and it simply rehashes a flood of fun and loving memories.

I am forever thankful. I do not wait until Thanksgiving to express my gratitude and love to God, family, and friends. The holiday is over, but I remain in a state of appreciation as I live my life. I am so excited about all that God has before me. I remain in an attitude of expectancy. I am overjoyed with the great things God gives me to do.  I am never bored and I look forward to each new day. Life has changed and I experience new challenges since my mild stroke a few years ago, but I know that I now have an opportunity to live my dream.

I look forward to the week ahead. I can feel it my bones. I just know that God is going to bless us in ways that will just blow our minds!

Blessings!
Carla

THIS WOMAN

As a young girl, I was very skinny. I remember that I just didn't eat much.  But not for long! As an older girl, I ate more - and blossomed!  I don't remember much about my skinny life, for I've never seen skinny again.

As a teenager, I hated my body. I hated everything about myself, in fact. I felt that I was not pretty, definitely not attractive to boys, I hated that I was shy, and I didn't believe that I had an appealing personality. I was happy reading books and writing my poetry and my journaling. Never thought anyone would be interested in such a girl.

I thought that I would never have a boyfriend. I refused to believe that anyone would ever take a second look at me, let alone be interested in getting to know me.  Well, at 17, I had my first boyfriend. In fact, he was the only boyfriend I've ever had. At age 21, I married him.  Jerry loved me from the beginning and I have to be honest, it took me years even long into my marriage for me to accept that anyone could love me.  I still hadn't accepted myself and I consistently put myself down.  But Jerry loves everything about me.

As an adult, I have always struggled with my weight and with body image acceptance. I viewed myself simply as the fat woman.  One year, I lost 40 pounds. Great. But I still wore my same clothes. Forty pounds is a 4-size drop in clothing. My co-workers and friends tried to convince me to wear clothing that was more fitting. More tailored. But I just couldn't see "showing off my shape". I guess I felt comfortable "hiding" behind my clothes. One person told me that this was because I was not viewing my new self. I still saw myself 40 lbs heavier. I had to see myself differently, she said.  But it was deeper than that I believe. It wasn't just the pounds. I wasn't seeing the WOMAN that I was. I belittled myself not realizing that doing so was a slap in God's face.

I've grown since then. An inside job. Honestly, about half of those pounds have returned, but I'm a much wiser woman today.  I know I'll never be skinny, and I don't want to be. I've accepted and am happy that Jerry fell in love with a plus size woman, and he loves everything about her. He loves every curve, every plumpness, every thickness.  My acceptance of this has caused me to embrace, know, and love my own sensuality. I am much more comfortable in our intimate life and trust me, it has never been better!

As I'm facing 50, naturally one thing I said is that I didn't want to be FAT & 50. But I know that I need to focus on being healthy, and not focus on physical image. Losing weight will make me healthier, but it will not make me a better woman. And that's what's important. That I be the best woman God made me to be. In doing so, I must love myself. Additionally, I thank God for the love of my husband. I realize how blessed I am.

Blessings!
Carla

Music Repeats

My J5 Christmas Album - CD cover

I decided to begin playing my Christmas music as I prepared Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday. I jammed with my boys....The Jackson 5 Christmas Album.  Of course it's on CD now, but it is the same album that I cherished as a child. I'll never forget the year Mama bought it for me.  I was so happy!  As an adult, I longed to listen to my album again. With all of our moving since childhood (we were a military family), and on up until adulthood, the album was long gone. Somewhere around 2003 or 2004, my brother Ira surprised me with the CD as a gift! Again, I was so happy!

Then Hurricane Katrina hit us in 2005. The CD was lost with ALL of my music. Must've lost over 100 CD's. Way over.

I was able to treat myself with the purchase of the CD again a few years ago. My children (Anaiah, specifically) listen to my Jackson 5 Christmas Album just as much as I.  We're so "weird", we'll pull it out in July just to enjoy it!

Another childhood favorite is The Chipmunks Christmas Album. I want to find that one as well.  My Anaiah also love the Chipmunks. Wish I can find another one I cherished as a child, that's The Chipmunks Sings the Beetles Hits. I believe that's the correct title. But, yes, they sang a whole album of the Beetles hits. I absolutely loved it.

Feeling kind of young at heart today!

Carla

PERPETUAL STUDENT

Isn't it amazing how we rushed our way through school? Some of you even hated school.  I wasn't one to hate school, but I even convinced myself that I wasn't a good pupil (one of my favorite words). This was after high school graduation, during my first semester of college. I eventually dropped out because again, I thought I wasn't good. My words were, "I'm not college material".

I lived that lie for years. I LOVE learning and over the years I've come to terms that I am a perpetual student. I have returned to college (several times), and last year received an Associate's degree in Christian Education.  I am still in pursuit of my Bachelor's and am studying for a degree in Christian Counseling.

But you know, it's not a degree that draws me. Through my career life, I've run across NUMEROUS people who had degrees but didn't have the knowledge behind it. In fact, some I would say were pretty lame. I mention this because I was always shocked when I learned this. Not that they weren't very bright, but because I found myself slightly envious that they had the degree and the great position because of it, yet I was always the one they depended on to do the work they were being paid to do!  Me, with no degree!  So I learned that it's not the degree that makes a person.

I'm not a brain, and definitely not a genius. In fact, I wouldn't even consider myself all that smart (although I KNOW I'm not dumb!). I have to study and prepare and make an effort to learn. But that's just the thing. I have an insatiable appetite for learning.  I am open and willing to absorb what's before me.

I never want to stop learning. I can't imagine living without learning! I can't imagine not discovering new things. I can't imagine not having my mind and imagination expanded.  And I definitely never want to reach a point where I feel that I know it all, or that I can't be taught. I truly believe that when we stop learning, we become stagnant and we stop growing. When an organism that is designed to develop stops growing, it dies.

I love being a perpetual student. And as I am facing 50, I so wish that I could return to that 18 year old college freshman and tell her that, yes, she is college material, and she can do it!  I thank God that He has allowed me to learn this about myself.

FACING 50: I DON'T SEE IT TODAY

FACING 50: I DON'T SEE IT TODAY: "I am at a point, position, and place in my life now where it's necessary for me to restructure or redefine myself. I'm re-inventing myself. ..."

I DON'T SEE IT TODAY

I am at a point, position, and place in my life now where it's necessary for me to restructure or redefine myself. I'm re-inventing myself. Hmmm, not sure if I like the term "re-inventing".  I didn't invent myself from the beginning. I'll process that at another time. But the truth is that so much has changed over the last few years. I am definitely not the person I once was, yet, I am still the core of me.  It is because of the changed situations and conditions that have shaped my life.

I am able now to enjoy operating and flourishing in my gifts and utilizing my skills for ministry and helping others. I absolutely love that I am granted this. However, as a result, so many sacrifices and adjustments have been made. It's been a heavy load on my husband because we no longer have my income. I've tried my best and very hard to make it independently by doing all that I can. However, to no avail. And it is so frustrating. It hurts. I truly feel like a failure.

When I had the mild stroke a few years ago, Jerry and I were in agreement that I would not return to work.  I've been able to remain home and be here for my family. I missed out on so much with the 20 plus years of working (living) in/for corporate America. Now I'm able to devote time as well to ministry, my writing, my studying and preparation for speaking engagements. I absolutely love all of this. In fact, I can't imagine not being able to do any of that.

It's good, but on the other hand, we are struggling without an income from me. I do my best to supplement, but to no avail. I put things out to generate money, but no one wants to buy. I also need funds in order to print, publish, etc. But I won't take away from the household in order to do so when so much is needed.  There are times when I don't buy my medication because something else is needed. Therefore, there may be a lapse in my regimen. I know, I know...not very smart, but it's what I have to do.

Yesterday was a turning point day for me. I don't know how much will change, but I know that a change has to happen. I prayed, and cried.....cried, and prayed. There was a breakthrough in my thinking and I am thankful to God that He gave me an influx of inspiration. This blog - Facing 50 - is the result of one of the ideas that God gave me. There are several others coming down the pipe. I worked very late last night getting a few things off the ground.

I'm going to follow God's direction, but most of all, I'll TRUST what He's doing in my life. I have to be patient. I have to know that even though I can't see it now, God is working everything out.  He has kept us all of this time. It has been rough, but He always provides.

Lord, I pray that I will become the awesome woman you have designed me to be!

Carla

It's Official!

Other than all of the changes that have taken place in my body, one of the first official signs I got that I was facing 50 was my AARP card in the mail!  I believe I'm far from retirement, but I couldn't tell from the AARP mailings.

Well, Jerry is past 50, and he went on and signed us both up to be true card-carrying members!

Blessings,
Carla

What's It All About?

That's my question for now and for the days to come.  Yes, I am facing 50 years old and I want to know what's it all about. I recall facing 30 and 40. Those decades meant something different to me than facing 50.  When I turned 30, it finally dawned on me that I was an adult. My son and daughter were still young and I was working my first "real" job. When I turned 40, a new bundle of joy entered our lives midway through that decade, and I was still working at that same "real" job.  Something else began to happen.  I believe that my life really began in  my 40's.  All sorts of epiphanies hit me and I also learned my purpose in life.

Now, today, at 49, I truly feel really grownup and I appreciate every single day of my life.  I've learned so much and I am looking forward to turning 50 on October 21, 2011.  In the meantime (hmmm, sounds like a good title to write about), I am going to document my life here. I'm going to throw caution to the wind and simply be honest.  I will share my thoughts, feelings, and perspective from my almost 50 standpoint.

I welcome your input. Actually, I truly desire your advice, sharing of your own experiences, etc. I don't want to take this journey alone.

Blessings,
Carla